cute.

 

so, for the first time in i guess 27 years, my dad decided he wanted to wash his own jeans.

i was on the computer, and i hear a “pssssssst”.

i look over to the laundry room and my dad whispers:

“what temp do you wash jeans in?”

then,

“what cycle?”

then,

“come here and start it for me”.

 i was thoroughly amused and thought this was too cute of my dad.

…he even started to semi-fold his laundry as well.

not two minutes later, my mum yells “who’s running water?”

i told her dad was doing laundry.

swish swish swish was the sound of her slippered feet as she shuffled from whatever room she was in the house, to the top of the basment stairs to start yelling at my dad for doing his own laundry.

i asked her what her problem was. i thought it was amusing and cute. he was only washing his jeans, not like he was attempting at washing colors and whites together or anything…

we need to encourage people when they are trying something new.  not berate them and make them regret ever getting the idea in the first place.

take my friend who complained all the time she never got flowers. well the day she finally got flowers from her husband, what’s the first thing out of her mouth?

“why did you do this?”

the shocked look and disappointment on his face was too much for me.

i cut in immediatly and told my friend to say thank you.  i reminded her of her many complaints and she quieted down quickly.

why is it anytime someone does something nice for us we are quick to find fault or hidden intentions?

….throw me back in time to the 50’s…i’d be more than content to wear dresses all day, cook, clean the house, care for the kids and host tupperware parties. i would even soak my hands in dish soap for 15 minutes every day after dinner so that my hands would be nice and soft for my husband.

happy to be at home. for once.

that’s a lie.

 i’m usually ok with being at home.

but tonite, right now, i am ecstatic to be at home. happy to know that no money will be spent, that i can catch up on my sleep, read a book, exfoliate thy face and just chill.

sure, it’s a saturday night. but i’ve done enough partying the last few weekends that right now i’m over-partied, and i’m going to enjoy some “me” time.

oh, i’m getting off the POF site.  it’s entertaining, sure, but i am leading everyone on if they think they’ll get to meet me, i’m so selective in who gets to meet me nowadays that it really is just a waste of time on their part…

i have an urge to go for a walk.  

…back again.

i’ve neglected this site.

i’ve been on and off of the internet…mostly on facebook and plentyoffish.

till now, nothing has really happened worth mentioning online. i don’t feel that what i’m about to share needs to be posted online either but i need to vent it out some way so…

WHY NOT.

(*because all parties have access to this site i will omit much detail.*)

the gist of it all? i want to erase the last 24 hours.

 i got caught doing something not entirely wrong but not right and i feel horrible about it. my friend says she’s over it and is mad at him and not me, but it takes two to tango so i think she might just be storing this little incident away in her “save for a blow up at Vanessa day”.

 or it could be my concience just feels mortified and that i am really just over-analyzing this out of proportion. if i was in her shoes, i wouldn’t be mad. but then i’m not her.

..and water is wet.

in case we didn’t know already…

“MEN WANT HOT WOMEN, STUDY CONFIRMS”

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/09/04/dating.mating.ap/index.html?eref=ib_technology

i won’t touch that subject…

here’s something more to my liking.:

“HEADS SPINNING OVER 200 YARD SPIDER WEB”

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2003861683_web31.html

…let the entomologists fight!!!

 and for every 50 excited entomologists, there is one dude who is quick to say “nothing special, i don’t know what the hype is” like John Jackman, a professor and extension entomologist for Texas A&M University and author of “A Field Guide to the Spiders and Scorpions of Texas,” said he receives similar reports every couple of years.

and at the end of the article:

Garde just wishes the entomologists would check out the spider web in person instead of arguing about it over the Internet.

there is a quote floating around somewhere that goes something like this:

“fighting on the internet is like winning the special olympics. doesn’t matter if you win or lose, you’re still retarded”

…girls don’t go on the internets…

lmao

i love 4chan.org. beware, it’s full of prepubescent/teenage boys (or possibly 30-something old men acting like kids) and it’s got a lot of…interesting stuff on it.

more though i like the bitching that goes on in the boards. “lame sauce”, “MOAR”,”instant fail”, “you suck get off the board nOOb”… . and the best? “girls don’t go on the internets, let alone 4chan”.

if you think you’ve got a “Different” fetish, wait till you see what’s avaliable on there. actually pales in what you can find in Anime/Manga/Hentai…the Japanese sure think of the impossible…

…i’m so glad.

 i can honestly thank my lucky stars that i am not a celebrity.

 i have nothing but serious sympathy for people like Britney Spears who are in serious need for help and have the entire world watching every move they make.

 i truely believe she is Bipolar.  when i read some of the things she’s done, it warps me back 5 years ago and how i acted before i got treatment.

 luckily for me, the world wasn’t watching when i got half my arm tattooed in 2 months, multiple piercings, went on spending sprees buying swiss army watches, rings and other jewellery and gave them away to people for no reason, or would decide to not shower/bathe for a week/or brush my teeth for a few days. or go up to the cash register with a shopping cart full of whatever, only to leave it and run out of the store because i’d have a panic attack and start to cry.

…it’s been awhile. (frustrated)

 it’s been awhile since i last posted.

 my mood has been rather unstable, and i find when i become anti-social like this, it includes the internet as well. i stay off it like i would avoid people’s phone calls.

 the last month has been rather trying for me. i have been going over my goals for the future, and i am at a standstill. i literally feel like i need someone to hold my hand and or push me up the hill…in the right direction. years ago, i had the comfort of a counsellor and a psychologist, to help me make decisions for myself. now, all i have is a psychiatrist.  he can’t offer me more than a 1/2 hour of his time, once a month. that, just does not cut it.

 i’ve tried to get in contact with a few support service programs, but they are all overbooked and the waiting lists are long. that includes the groups that charge small fees for their time too. i have come to a point where i find i need help rather desperately and am willing to pay for it. to a point.

 but i am not “severe” enough to be put up high on the list to get help. i have no plans of harming myself, and basically until i get into real trouble mentally, or a bunch of kids graduate this year and open practises…i am left on my own.

 i tried talking to my psychiatrist today. i told him how i have been feeling. how my life is passing me by, how i am unsure if i should move out of home, and settle down…or if i should plan for taking trips to places that i can go by greyhound….i don’t make enough money to take trips and live on my own, so it has to be one lifestyle or the other. i feel guilty that i have the leisure of not having to work for money (as i am on a disability program) and am on permanent vacation, and i’m not making the most of it.

 my psychiatrist says i need to take things one day at a time and he thinks my moods are too unstable at the moment to make any plans for the future. he wants me to wait like half a year, in hopes i’ll stabilize again…before i decide to make changes.

 i don’t want to wait any longer. life is too short. i am affected every day by reading stories about babies/children/teens that have died and not had the chance to fully experience life, or those that have accomplished so much in their short time so far…i have friends who have to work for a living, with kids and husbands, bemoan about having chosen that path in life to settle down and wish they could travel…

and here i am, a late 20-something who is in *seemingly* good health, letting life pass by.

 my psychiatrist says i’m being too hard on myself.

and i don’t know if i want to yell at him to stop helping me make excuses for myself…

transformers fan = instant friends

…so i decided i want to hunt down the original 1984 transformers cartoon series for my nephews…and myself.  and everywhere i went and asked about it, generally i ended up talking to the guy for a good 5 minutes + about the movie that just came out, complaining about the beast wars, and the newer versions of transformers (ie: Armada) and how Gen1 transformers were (and always will be) the best.

 i have yet to encounter a “diehard” fan. you know, the rabid ones. those ones who are rude to the new fans, scoff and make noises and froth at the mouth when they have to “correct” you on something you may not know about the transformers, etc. or maybe i just know enough that noone is giving me greif about it? i am online a lot. so i chat a lot. and surf and get caught up in message boards etc. and there is never love for newbies.

newbies can be annoying, but hey, we were all newbies at one point.

i think star wars fans are pretty lethal.  if i had any questions about the movies, i asked my boyfriend (who was a fan). but i never would have asked anyone else. just the grief i got alone from my boyfriend was enough for me to say “uhh, yeah…”. of course, he was one of the ones who bought his ticket weeks in advance and didn’t invite me to that viewing because he knew i’d have too many questions. so instead i got to see it a month later, when he calmed down, and would be civil enough to answer my questions.

i’m passionate about many things, but not obsessively passionate…at least i don’t think so.

authors note: you won’t be able to find the 1984 cartoon series in any store right now. they were discontinued about 2 years ago. but don’t waste your money going to pawn shops or buying them online. hasbro has announced it plans to reissue the series sometime before christmas of this year. but it will likely be reintroduced as Gen1 transformers, and be sold as a boxset. contact your local HMV every few months to get updated news.

early retirement?

…extended vacation with no set date to return to work?

 what else can you call my situation?. I can, and cannot work. I have doctors that say I cannot work. I have a mind that fights with itself over my abilities. and yadda yadda yadda.

 who can honestly say they enjoy sitting around and doing nothing? i really cannot comprehend people who choose to live on welfare and not want to work.

 don’t get me wrong.  i love having my summer off. some of these days have been so beautiful i could not imagine having to go into work and felt sorry for those who did.

 but i do feel upset from time to time. feeling like i am not contributing to society. which i’m not.

 i have held jobs, here and there, for as long as i possibly can. but then comes a point where i start to cry and feel sick in my stomach and i become incapable of sleep and short tempered with everyone.

 and when that happens, i have to quit my job.

I am on a government program called ODSP. no, it is not a fancy way of saying welfare. ODSP stands for Ontario Disability Support Program. it gives me a liveable allowance every month to get by on, has incentives to make you want to get a job, but does not force you into doing so, because you can only be on this program if you are certifiably disabled of some sort. (i’m bipolar and hearing impaired).

i have a friend who is on the same program as me. and she is bipolar as well. it is fun, because we understand each other, and we can tell when something is wrong with each other, and can together help make our situation better to avoid severe “Ups” and “Downs” (who would have thought that being overly happy could be a bad thing?).

she has two small kids and a husband. her husband has been put on early retirement by her doctor, for the sake of their kids. not saying she would ever harm the kids, but she does have moments where if the baby is crying and the 4 yr old is destroying things, she needs to leave the room. like most normal people would do as well. but normal people would take tylenol and go back into the room with the kids within 5 minutes. she, on the other hand, could jump in the car and drive away for a half hour to cool off. sounds horrible, but sometimes our judgement gets clouded and we end up looking out for n#1.

so i guess i do come with benefits when i get into a relationship next. i can offer early retirement to my future husband. LOL! see! being bipolar does have advantages…haha.

…relief. (transformers movie).

…So i was there. first show of the day. moderatly busy. all adults, mostly man-boys but some girls in the audience.

 and together we waited.

 i had butterflies in my stomach. i knew i was going to like this movie, it’s a transformers movie, but i was afraid (somewhat) that it wouldn’t meet my expectations and or i would find myself disappointed. i had zero interest in the human part of the movie, only interest in the ‘bots and the fights.

 when i saw Optimus Prime in his truck form roll up the alley way, i leaned over to Maria and said “this, is what i’ve waited 20 years for”. which was true. and total nerd-dom occured when i found myself getting all warm and fuzzy/shock and awe at the sight of Prime transforming into robot state. the audience as a whole made a collective “Sigh”.

 critics will trash this movie. they have been from the get go. even those “die-hard” fans have been trashing it too. i don’t care what they say. i absolutely loved it, and if i had a complaint it was that i didn’t see enough battle between Optimus Prime and the Decepticons…however that scene with him versus Bonecrusher was the most exciting thing i’ve witnessed in ages.

I will be seeing this movie a few more times while it is in theatres. to me, it’s that good.  it has some comedy and is fairly easy to catch onto as well if you’ve never watched a transformers show in your life.

***SPOILER WARNING***

i was afraid that Optimus Prime was going to die in the fight against Megatron…solely because he was and always has been my hero and if i witnessed him dying in this “As real as he can get” movie, i’d have been crushed, and probably cry. (i never did watch “transformers: the (animated) movie, because he dies in that one). but thankfully he does not die, the kid kills Megatron, and all is well. There is plenty of opportunity to have a sequel, I see Starscream taking over….but i could be wrong, he could have been destroyed…there was too much fighting going on in that short bit of time at the end of the movie even i had trouble keeping tabs on who was who.

i never had imaginary made up friends. i had mr.Bedtime bear, blankie, and Optimus Prime instead.